There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Planet of the Apps.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!