my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
You Might Also Like
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
the battle rages on
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class