I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
#damn
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”