I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.