Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018