Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION