Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana