Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Is….Is this an option?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg