Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.