All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited