[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Trying
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare