If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?