7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
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I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
ibopfufen
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?