Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
You Might Also Like
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look