What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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is this meant to deter me
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?