Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.