HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
You Might Also Like
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.