Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
This guy gets it.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world