[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”