I wanna be friends with this person
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.