Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*