2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.