My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
*aggressively waits in line*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.