me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.