Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.