.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?