Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
#dnd #ttrpg
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
12653.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.