I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.