The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*