I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
You Might Also Like
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
This cat wants you to take your pills
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Tony Hawk, age 6
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀