tourist season
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
In case you needed to hear it:
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
A choir of Spring onions
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
classic mixup
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”