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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
liiiiiiiiike
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
it must be school picture day
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.