[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Monday
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*