You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park