I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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I love twitter
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.