My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
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Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My favorite female superhero
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
blocked.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.