The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.