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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
People think I鈥檓 good at keeping secrets but the truth is I鈥檓 just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
check in with your friends but also don鈥檛 forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they鈥檙e doing bad
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can鈥檛 be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If you鈥檝e ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
2008- This Master鈥檚 degree is going to change my life!
2019- I鈥檝e got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What鈥檚 your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don鈥檛 have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I鈥橪L NEVER JOIN YOU!
Can’t, holding a grudge
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.