I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
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I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.