Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
watergate? u mean a dam??
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.