Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
starting a garage orchestra
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
We’ve all been there…
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ