Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[montage of me giving-up]
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
they really do be looking like this
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am