Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Overindulged this afternoon.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
concern
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.