The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.