People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.