God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.