[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Did my cat write this
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”