Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.