driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You Might Also Like
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door