I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’d use my best pan on you.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉